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(13-06-2026) Sorry, I had coffee today!😐

Woke up lazy in the morning

Throat is not okay

Wanted to drink something hot, drank hot water with some ginger 

As kids we expect to express ourself to parents, 
we tell our problems
we express our interests
we talk to them
we tell about something is wrong happening
we tell them only once
they were not available for us then and ever
and
then we wont tell them again not only to them
but anyone
Fear
Bhayam and many more

until the kid in me found a safe resort to 
express, 
talk,
smile,
live,
sing,
blabber, 
complaint,
shout
raise voice
dump insecurities 
and
to own my mistakes,
be responsible with myself,
understand what I did or said,
feel ashamed,
express the apology
and
then
work on them
because, as people we just say and not really work on them

and while reading a book and had my lunch

wanted to have coffee

I pulled out a sachet of coffee, I had 2 of them - one in memory box and other in a travel bag. Grabbed the one from bag and

Yes I did

I pulled out a glass of some water and mixed some coffee powder to make a concentrate, now its time to drink, so

I grabbed myself in my hand

I folded myself, to a messy shape like to dump in a trash
no,
unfolded 
and 


Coffee is usually mixed with spoon or stirrer

but

here

it was a brush 

size - 8

to apply coffee on myself


drank the coffee concentrate in two layers

I was wet
I had severe tears unknowingly
which were also mixed on the messy unfolded me
so the coffee is now salty, haha I hate sugar in coffee
I dried myself
wiped my tears
grabbed a pen to write on me
wrote what i wanted 
it was very cliche, but I mean it

 the coffee was well applied and


it was even heated with fire to keep intact edges

decorated myself with some rose petals

why not a rose for apology?

Rose is a testament of expression

Who am I?

I am a
Thenkyou, 
and 
I am a
Sorry.

as the coffee, brush, and me were hugging each other
I drank the Coffee as an expression to paint on me and not as a drink

ufff

instead of me drinking the coffee, 


my bedsheet also had to sip it

Coffee smells really good, like it did today on me


between 

had an ice cream to complete today, Saturday. Have a Sugary Saturday!

I don't want the reader to text me off compulsion, 
they need time
its absolutely their time
I have to respect it
But I wanted to mean - 
I am really Sorry

, 
I am sorry
I am not that toxic as you think,
I may have imposed my fear on you 
I admit my mistakes
but not to demean your intentions or your  povs or you
Please dont get scared of me
I have no,ne

dearzomrade editor  truly regrets and is ashamed for what has happened and said

Learning: Owning it is the beginning of repair, not the completion of it


ALL

I had tears when I am writing this, 

not because I coudnt achieve a relationship with you or whatever it is,

but for 

what all I confidence and truths and reality I gave you going into vain

You dont know How to a person can live with it.

Okasari 

Dear comrade video songs - Yetu pone and Oo kalala kathala

Vinu

you will ateast understand 5% of pain I am going through

I did what all I could Zainab

from 13000kms away

13000kms away

Nakosam em cheyyamani adagateldu,  you did a lot 

I am just asking you to the Zainab you are with me, the real one. the one I & you rediscovered.

I dont want this story to end as a rockstar story where Jordan and Heer end thier life just because they couldnt stand for each other and movie ends with lines of rumi - 

in Tum Ko

"Away, 

beyond all concepts of wrong-doing and right-doing, 

there is a field. 

I will meet you there."

aa movie lo iddaru vallatho vallu unnappudu they are fully differnt, alive, 

once they go off they are different. 

I saw the same pattern with me and you also.

I remember a women saying - kahin pahunchne keliye, kaha se nikalna padtas hai. sometime the path will be little uncomfortable, she want to walk but gives the legs to someone else.

I cannot convince people whom I love to stand for me, if they need they take, they are adults rights,

If I do convince, what type of Love is mine?

Malli anipistadi Fight cheyyalekapote nedi asal preme kadu ani

Nen adagukunda devudu ichina prema nuvvu,

September lo I want to give up on my life

October lo I fell in love with you

November December lo I proposed

and today I am here

ninnu marchipovadam or ninnu na life nunchi teseyadam is like me killing myself

I loved you in a way, My entire bloodline would be proud of, 

with little memories and all with you

I am proud of you and me aswell

K tho matladamante ochi matladata 10 days lo visa eskoni, will beg him. 

I can never hate you

I am subjected to live with grief, its okay.

God wants me to be this.

its okay

I am not blaming you or God for this. 

Blame cheste nadi preme kadu.

Never Have I Ever Imagined i would end my life like this.

Nen life lo ennaina cheyochu

ekkadkaina elochu

evarnaina kalochu

but 

ZainaB 😭.

Art gives suffering,

Suffering comes from art

na life lo rendu jaragalani rasi undi

Nuv Happy ga undu

ade chalu naku